Greetings all from the top of Durward Hall in Fort Collins. The new year and the new semester is upon us, and I have rarely held so many mixed feelings and experienced such a chaotic start to a year.... or maybe that's just lack of hindsight speaking.
My year officially started in a minivan, lost somewhere in Iowa City looking for some 19-and-up bar. Next thing I know, I find myself in the back of some smoke-filled bar, feeling oddly lonely and envious despite being surrounded by a plethora of drunk folks welcoming 2008 with hope on their minds. I spent all week listening to bullshit-laden speeches by presidential candidates about hope, and being the cynic I am when it comes to politics, I just wasn't "feeling" it. So, with tears streaming down my face, I too welcomed the new year.
The theme of the year so far has been akin to a pendulum that's been released from great heights. It's almost as if the ball they dropped in New York began swinging like King Kong, taking me with it. For example, with Iowa came great portfolio images, but an empty bank account. Great laughs, but great pains. Great adventure, but great stress. For every positive has come some negative. It's been a power struggle between the inner darkness and the inner light of myself, a struggle between the part of me that wants to enjoy the moment and the part of me that demands I make the best decisions for my future, for my career. Its made for a chaotic situation for me, and one that I feel if I don't tackle soon will take me down faster than I could fathom.
I can't remember a time where I felt so unsure about my future.... I'm a person of plans, and back-up plans for those plans, and back-up plans for those back-up plans, but I don't know what's going to happen now. I mean, things will be nice and dandy if I get the Rocky Mountain News internship I applied for, but what if it doesn't? I don't have the money to live in an apartment in NoCo and do (unpaid) internships for the Greeley Tribune or Fort Collins Coloradoan. Heck, I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through this week, as because of Iowa (and thus a lack of ability to work over break) I have a whole $5.88 in my bank account. That's not very encouraging.
Things will play out, I'm sure. As the sports cliché goes, I've just got to take this one day at a time. Thanks for reading.
-B
Quote for the day: "The unexamined life is not worth living" -Socrates
Song for the day: "Lean on Me" -Big Mountain
Word for the day: Chaos - a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.
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