Breaking Point

Imagine a piece of steel. What happens to that steel when you stack greater and greater amounts of weight on it? It breaks of course.

I'm that steel.

And I'm going to break.

I'm afraid of what will happen when I do. I only hope I can minimize the damage done to myself, my career, and my friends.

I'm miserable. My life has taken off and left me behind. I'm a day or two behind in all of my classes, I got a written warning at work because I'm falling behind in keeping track of photo assignments. I'm drowning under the pressure of far too much work, too much stress. I can't breathe, and for the first time in a long time, I'm beginning to panic. I don't know what to do.

When did my passion become my burden?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Anyways, I shot Barack Obama for the third time now today at Magness Arena, down at the University of Denver campus. It was quite the intense experience, and the first time I actually arrived at an Obama event on-time, much less early (press entrance was supposed to open at 7:30, we were there at 6:45). I'm not sure what to make of it, so I'll post the audio slideshow I made, using photos by both me and our other photographer Brian.



Quote for the day: Man at Obama event: "Who are you?!"
Man in Suit at Obama event: "Secret Service. Who are YOU?"
Song for the day: "So Sick" -Ne-Yo
Word for the day: Suffocation- to overcome or extinguish; suppress.

Ethical Dilemmas

I faced my first real ethical dilemma today. Or at least, that's what it felt like. More like a melodramatic overreaction on my part, but none the less made me think, made me feel for the first time as a photojournalist.

My assignment was to document homeless life in Fort Collins. Having seen Philadelphia Enquirer photographer Tom Gralish's Pulitzer award winning photographs of Philadelphia's homeless, I was obviously very nervous. I actually psyched myself out.

The writer for the story told me that the homeless like to sleep at the library and at the bus station in Old Town. So, early in the morning I go to the address the writer gave me (which turned out to be a completely different place) and waited for the people to be sent out at 6:45 (which apparently only happens on weekdays). Turns out there was nobody there, but at the time I thought they were simply waiting for me to leave before sending anyone off - a suspicion I thought confirmed when, after driving around the block, I saw people walking out of the side door. Naturally, I felt unwanted.

So I traveled to the bus station, thinking maybe I'll find someone there. I pulled into a parking garage, parked, reached for my cameras, and..... stopped. I couldn't do it. I couldn't "exploit" these peoples' unfortunate circumstances for some picture that will run in the school newspaper. I couldn't find it in my heart to pick my cameras up and go to work. I was at a loss, I never felt anything like it before, like I wanted to rip my heart from my chest so I can just go out and do my job without remorse and without guilt. But I couldn't. I sat in my car gripping the steering wheel with tears in my eyes for a good 15 min before driving away.

To make a long story short, I eventually did gain the confidence and self-reassurance to drive back to the bus station, as well as the library, and investigate. Nothing. I parked in Old Town and strolled the alleys. Nothing. And I stumble across "Hobo Park," across the street from the Open Door Mission, and get to talking to this guy who, never in a million years, I would have guessed was homeless. All my misconceptions flew out the door.

Anyways, summary of the story is I was melodramatic and immature, but I still faced what I saw as my first real ethical dilemma. Hopefully this isn't a sign of things to come, but rather just a good learning experience. I'll take them wherever I can get 'em.

Quote for the day: "Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others." -Cicero
Song for the day: "It's My Job" -Jimmy Buffett
Word for the day: Guilt - a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Too Much to Handle?

First two days of classes are over and I must say I feel quite blind-sided by it. For one, I'm taking harder classes this semester, and am more than just a little intimidated by the amount of work (both in-class and homework), especially in light of my new responsibilities as Chief Photographer at work, in addition to the stress of the potential corporate takeover of the Collegian. How is it that all these things just happen to slam me at the exact same time? It doesn't help that I still don't have any money (a problem that will very temporarily be remedied tomorrow morning).

I suppose the only consolation is that it hasn't given me the chance to really dwell on a... revelation... I had over the weekend. Maybe a good thing, maybe a bad thing, I can't really say yet, and unfortunately since I don't quite have a census as far as who is reading my blog, I am not certain I want to go into detail. Heck, for all I know, nobody's reading this and I'm just talking to myself. I'd be happy with that as well.

Sorry this blog is so short, I feel like I rarely have anything terribly important to say. But again, I only kept this blog as a way to put my thoughts in writing, kind of sort things out, and keep me from driving myself insane with too much on my mind. Until next time.

Quote for the day: "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" -Wayne Gretzky
Song for the day: "Cherry Oh Baby" -UB40
Word for the day: Solitude - the state of being or living alone

Insanity From Day One

Greetings all from the top of Durward Hall in Fort Collins. The new year and the new semester is upon us, and I have rarely held so many mixed feelings and experienced such a chaotic start to a year.... or maybe that's just lack of hindsight speaking.

My year officially started in a minivan, lost somewhere in Iowa City looking for some 19-and-up bar. Next thing I know, I find myself in the back of some smoke-filled bar, feeling oddly lonely and envious despite being surrounded by a plethora of drunk folks welcoming 2008 with hope on their minds. I spent all week listening to bullshit-laden speeches by presidential candidates about hope, and being the cynic I am when it comes to politics, I just wasn't "feeling" it. So, with tears streaming down my face, I too welcomed the new year.

The theme of the year so far has been akin to a pendulum that's been released from great heights. It's almost as if the ball they dropped in New York began swinging like King Kong, taking me with it. For example, with Iowa came great portfolio images, but an empty bank account. Great laughs, but great pains. Great adventure, but great stress. For every positive has come some negative. It's been a power struggle between the inner darkness and the inner light of myself, a struggle between the part of me that wants to enjoy the moment and the part of me that demands I make the best decisions for my future, for my career. Its made for a chaotic situation for me, and one that I feel if I don't tackle soon will take me down faster than I could fathom.

I can't remember a time where I felt so unsure about my future.... I'm a person of plans, and back-up plans for those plans, and back-up plans for those back-up plans, but I don't know what's going to happen now. I mean, things will be nice and dandy if I get the Rocky Mountain News internship I applied for, but what if it doesn't? I don't have the money to live in an apartment in NoCo and do (unpaid) internships for the Greeley Tribune or Fort Collins Coloradoan. Heck, I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through this week, as because of Iowa (and thus a lack of ability to work over break) I have a whole $5.88 in my bank account. That's not very encouraging.

Things will play out, I'm sure. As the sports cliché goes, I've just got to take this one day at a time. Thanks for reading.

-B

Quote for the day: "The unexamined life is not worth living" -Socrates
Song for the day: "Lean on Me" -Big Mountain
Word for the day: Chaos - a state of utter confusion or disorder; a total lack of organization or order.

Day Five - The Iowa Caucus

This is, fittingly, one of the longest slideshows I've made to date... Which explains why I'm uploading it at 5:30am Des Moines time, despite our long drive home tomorrow, as it took forever to create. Hope everybody's enjoyed my audio/visual coverage of the Iowa Caucuses, have a good one.

-B.T.I.

Day Four - Des Moines

Day Three - The Campaign Trail